12 will be 13 in August and I still worry if I’m parenting her in the best way possible. You may remember that I lived in dread of taking 12 to Surrey for assessment incase they replied with, “we’re keeping her.” I lived in dread of being called to go to the assessment in the first place never mind actually being there. As with so many things in life the reality was nowhere near as dramatic as the worrying.
For years I felt compelled to go along with any suggestion made by doctors or teachers, health visitors or social workers regardless of whether I agreed or believed it would be right for 12 or us because I worried that I would be deemed non-compliant or hindering my child and end up losing her.
The bottom line is, I’ve worried almost all my life as a parent that someone somewhere would in their wisdom decide that someone else would make a better parent than me.
Today I received a follow-up call from Surrey to discuss the fact they are asking for funding for a further visit of five days with an aim to do some more telemetry and also speak with a child psychologist regarding what we can possibly do with 12′s challenging behaviour. They wanted to check that I was in agreement with this or if I had any other concerns.
Frankly not many people bother double-checking, most parents just get sent from one thing to the next at the behest of the specialist, unless they have asked for an assessment, then they usually have the fight of their life in order to get what they want for their own child.
I told the woman who rang I believe 12′s epilepsy is pretty well controlled at the moment since it has been a while since she had a seizure but I have no issue with the telemetry, it’s been a while so it would be good to know what is going on now. Our main issue is 12′s behaviour, that’s what impacts on what she can do, where she can go and therefore what we can do as a family. I finished by saying, “I believe I handle [12's] behaviour as well as anyone could but if someone does have suggestions I am open to hearing them.”
This is a big step for me, to tell them straight I believe I’m doing a good job. In fact I KNOW I am. I know no one else can handle her as can I, I know no one else gets as much from her, although there are those who work with 12 in school and respite who are also pretty adept at dealing with all her issues.
These are baby steps for me, to face someone and stand up for my own abilities.
I better keep practising.
© 2011, Penbleth / L. McG.-E.. All rights reserved.
Audra - I’m proud of you for doing that. You ARE doing the best for 12 because you’re her mother. For other people who care for 12 (or anyone who helps to take care of ANY children other than their own) caregiving is a job (career, whatever you want to call it) with boundaries. I know that as a teacher I try HARD to help some of my most challenging students, but there is a point at which I have to draw boundaries and step back. I step back because I need to save myself for my own children at home. The only people who I don’t do that with, who I commit to fully and tirelessly are my own children. That’s what you do for 12 and you’re doing a fantastic job.
Penbleth - Thank you Audra. You are right, in other aspects of my life I don’t give as much as I do to my own kids and I don’t expect it from anyone else towards mine.
Jessica - I hate when other people make me second guess myself. I hope you continue to find strength and stand up for you and your daughter. You are doing an amazing job.
Penbleth - Thank you Jessica. I might not always be perfect but I am the best for my kids.
Dawn - Hurray for growing confidence!