Over the last year or so we as a family have breathed a collective sigh of relief at the improvement in 14′s behaviour. We have felt a sense of ease, of progress even of daring to think we could perhaps re-introduce outside activities to our routine. You can see, dear friends, where we went wrong. Never, ever think such things, it is asking for trouble you would think that by now I would know this.
The first sign that all might not be rosy in the garden of behaviour was when the bus driver asked us if we had been contacted by transport services suggesting 14 should once more travel with other kids. Well, no I hadn’t and now that I come to think of it, why isn’t she travelling with other kids? She should have company, some friends on her journey to and from school. Actually, how did she come to be travelling on her own in the first place?
Really? It’s a wonder I am awake some days. I really had not put together that because the bus pulls up in the morning with no one else on it bar the driver and the escort and returns again in a similar manner in the afternoon, plus 14 of course, that any of this was deliberate. I thought it was one of those, just so happens, things. Hi, nice to meet you, I’m an idiot.
Now the driver and the escort are keeping a log of every tantrum, every expression of less than perfect behaviour so 14 can remain in a bus by herself. I must have looked plaintive, they were very kind, she lashes out at the others, was said in the kindest, most gentle of tones but it still stung. On Tuesday my husband attended a risk assessment for 14 to learn that while everyone is very pleased for us that she is behaving better at home she is much the same as ever at school.
Okay. Okay. It is all okay. You don’t let it hurt, you don’t take it personally, you don’t let the tears flow. You talk to her and you explain she mustn’t hurt others and you take a look at fingernails already clipped short and try to clip them a little more but oh my goodness it is close and you don’t want to hurt her. And you hug her and hold her and know there is very little on which you can count except your child being who she is and how much she loves you and you wish with all your heart you could magically alter her behaviour and while you are at it you could cure her epilepsy and her Autism and her learning problems and make her speak and understand and …
Okay. It is all okay. I’m talking to myself. It will all be okay.
I am going to steal a line from the lovely Michelle and send some love to you all as well.
One part of the blogosphere has been in mourning this week for the loss of our dear friend Julie. I won’t link to her site because Julie valued her privacy. Julie brought a lot of light and joy and happiness to our online world and I can only think how much more she brought to those who had the pleasure of knowing her in person. I hold her family and friends in my heart.
© 2012, Penbleth / L. McG.-E.. All rights reserved.